January 20, 2013

*I wrote this during the Daniel Fast at a Worship and Prayer Night @ Church

I'm angry, sad and insecure. I'm mean and impatient. I'm self-absorbed. This past week (1st) of the Daniel Fast has been one of the most horrid weeks I've had in months.  It has been awful physically, emotionally and mentally. 

Thinking about my birthday party. Totally disgusted with myself. I'm too much of a child, too silly, not as refined and polished as my "friends". I don't remember the last half of the party, I fell down twice, intoxicated of course. How embarrassing. What a joke. I'm so stupid.

I won't, (can't), let anyone love me. Not my husband or my children. I cringe when they touch me. It makes me feel gross. It's like my body reacts in a violent way. I shrug off their touches. I am so impatient with them. They're going to grow up without confidence because of me and Donald. They're going to grow up just like me, disliking themselves, not accepting themselves or anyone's love. GOD LET IT NOT BE. 

Please, I beg of YOU to undo any and everything I've done (or anyone else) that has messed them up in heart or mind. I beg YOU to protect them and the steps they take. Please, please, keep Lainee and Miles closer than close. My heart aches and breaks for them because of everything I've done to them. God, please undo it. HEAL UP everything. That sounds so crazy to pray because they're only 7 and 5, but I've done a great deal of damage thus far. 

I don't understand why You made me a mother, really, I don't. As awful and as broken as I am... WHY? They are so precious and don't deserve what I give or withhold from them. What do I for them that can ever outweigh all of the hurt I've bestowed upon them?

Why do I feel so different? Like an outcast? If I were to see YOU face to face I'd realize even more just how terrible I am. I'd just sit and tell YOU over and over everything that is wrong with me. I don't know how to accept anything good or right. WHAT IS THIS? Maybe YOU are so awesome I wouldn't be able to think of how awful I am - but that is what I imagine - even still - face to face - I'd just be stuck in myself. Am I a child of the devil? Sometimes I wonder how long I am going to survive. Like, when will it end?

I'm not (or haven't been thus far) one of those people who hate what they do, how they look or act and then works their ass off to change it. No, I just wallow in it and stay the same. How weak and pathetic is that? Yeah, Paul did what he didn't want to do and not what he wanted to - but how will my life be a testimony being who I am? My obituary would be short and ridiculous - or long - if you wrote wrote about all I was unhappy about.

Sometimes, I wonder how many people would come to my funeral (dark, I know, or, is it?), as if that is an indicator of people loving or liking you... in my imagination it is a few family members and a few friends (HAHA if they could even fit it into their busy schedules!). I wouldn't be mourned by many and I'd be missed my few - just those obligated to to mourn and miss me. How sick am I? Those "obligated" to mourn and miss me? What the hell is wrong with me? Who am I? 

Another "WHY?" Why do I have the parents I do? It's obvious that I am a product of them. Do YOU allow hurt so people have no choice, (okay, of course there is a choice) but to turn to YOU? Is it on purpose? Or was the act of conception turned over to the process of humanity? Is the length of healing dependent on the length of pain? If it took 15 years to form will it take 15+ years to heal from it?

I am so exhausted, LORD. I am so sick of my life - of grieving, of hurting -  of being so dissatisfied. I know everyone else is exhausted by me too.