Easter

Everyone at church was busy celebrating the resurrection of Jesus... All I could do was cry and had this reoccurring thought to just run out and sit in the car and overdose or go up to the altar and do it or just do it and fall asleep on Donald's shoulder... wtf!?

3/20-3/31

Fine. No appetite. Ate too much wrong food in TX. Good to visit family too short it felt. Had two days of feeling severely edgy. Sad to leave. Cried.

Depressed.

I shouldn't drink but I do. I don't every day but I like to relax and feel different, feel something. Therapist agrees, I am not an alcoholic but that it isn't good for me because my body reacts differently than others.

Why do I keep doing things that aren't good for me? I don't know...

8+8 and 7teen

Not feeling as tired. But slept today off and on from 9a-12p. Babes had a half day. Got them, had parent teacher conferences and then ran some errands... grocery store, Fidel's, Cup Cake A'la Mode and MAC then picked Donald up from work. Was feeling mentally but not physiologically stressed... was kind of strange...

all for now... Half day tomorrow for babes tomorrow too, then Friday Spring Break... then off to Texas to visit family. I am okay. Donald is stressed... work and remembering his baby brother...

Cymbalta Fifteen (15)

I think the side effects of being drugged feeling are over. I do still suffer from not much of an appetite.

Today Donald took babes to school then we went for coffee. He took me to my gf's house to get my hair done. He hung out and talked to her husband. It was a good morning. Then we got tacos and beer. Came home, watched a movie, Lifted, smoked hookah, hung out. Hit Walgreen's then to get the babes... had a flat tire, D changed it, came home and then just did the night thing. He went to get tire fixed, took Miles. Me and Lainee stayed home and finished watching Mary Poppins and I made dinner. Guys got home, ate, now babes are going to bed.

Hopefully me and D can chill a bit before bed. I am not tired. He needs to go to bed early though because he works in the morning. I'll be getting babes ready for school and taking them. Not sure what is on my agenda for tomorrow. I always feel like cleaning, it's a compulsive thing, I know.

I bought a blue nail polish in memory of my little brother in law. This is his birth month so I'm going to wear blue all March. Love and miss you Jermaine.

Glad I'm feeling better.

Day 13, 14

Feeling better, not as tired and drugged when I take the Cymbalta. This is good. I have found it has really flat-lined me in a sense. I am just blah. I am not operating at a 10 and crazy stressed, now I am at a 0 or a 1. It's weird.

Still fighting through making the best choices for myself.

Signing off...

Day 9-12

Tuesday I went out that night and recovered the rest of this week... that's why I haven't blogged.

I'll update this weekend. I really don't feel like writing about anything.

Cym8alta

I feel really anxious today, just a strange feeling in my chest. It may be because I had few beers last night. I didn't take any sleep medicine with it, so that's good. I have been known to do that plenty of times before.

Still no appetite. So, not eating much.

Was getting dressed today and pulled out my work jacket, asked Donald if I could still wear it. I was sort of being serious. He said, "of course honey, you still work there just taking a break."

Went to Parent Meeting at school. Hadn't been in school since I took a leave. I was a bit nervous. It was good. I helped out, did my note taking duties, talked to my boss. Told him the same thing about wearing my coat and he looked at me like I was crazy. Haha. He said I look a lot better than the last time he saw me. He totally understands what I am going through.

This is good. I am okay. My neck is knotted up and hurting really bad, internalized stress maybe? It happens every once in a while. It just hurts really bad.

Going to bed soon.

Always so tired.

Concert with little brother tomorrow night. Should be a good time.

day 7

So I didn't learn from last night.

I took two Ambien because I have built up a tolerance. I wasn't going to sleep any time soon (it wasn't working) so I took 1 mg. of Lorazepam. I was in bed, watching something... couldn't relax.

Talked to Donald about it later and he said that I need to take it and just go to sleep, not watch anything or read. That way I keep my mind at ease and not busy fighting off the Ambien.

Anyway, still nothing but tired and no appetite.

Spirits definitely lifted, not feeling so weighed down.

Cym(6)balta

Still just tired but last night I took 2 mg of Lorazepam to sleep because I couldn't sleep, I think it hit me when I finally fell asleep after 1 a.m. because this morning I was stupid tired. So, won't be doing that again.

I didn't do much of anything today, well, laundry and watched a movie with Lainee and watched her play Just Dance after she got home from art class.

I ate a quarter of a sandwich with some chips. I feel okay. I just need to get out of the house and get active. I am not stressed and I am less impatient. Not much of an appetite.

It's going good so far, no side effects, except maybe tired.

Oh, I had crazy ovarian cyst cramps last night, so uncomfortable I couldn't go to sleep until after the Lorazepam kicked in and I had taken 2 Alieve. It's hurting now too. I had my Ambien refilled, so hopefully I will be able to fall asleep tonight at a decent hour.

Fifth day of Cymbalta

I woke up rested and ready to go. Not feeling any side effects other than sleepy, but that could be because I am just tired.

Had tea with a friend who had a lot of wise words. Everyone, including her, keeps telling me that I really need this time. That I need to put myself first and take care of myself. She was so loving and encouraging. Thank you Vernae :)

Donald has been great. We had a fun time this morning after the babes went to school, just hanging out, watching stand up comedians and laughing together.

This evening FreeFree came over and we hung out, talked about our weeks and ate. I painted her nails. It was great seeing her and catching up. She's the lead teacher that I assist. I am sad to not be with her every day!

I am taking leave until Summer School starts.

I am not stressed. This is a first.

Appreciating all of the love and support from co-workers, my babes and Donald.

My husband is amazing and I am beyond blessed. He's wonderful. I love him so.

4 of Cymbalta

I woke up with a headache. Sharp, not shooting, but sharp.

Took medicine at 8 a.m.

Donald took care of the babes, got them to school, came back and we went back to sleep until after 11 a.

We went to my counselling appointment together at 1 p.m. It was good. I am glad he's with me this time and starting to understand what's going on.

I am finally breathing again.

I picked babes up from school. Took Lainee to get her hair cut and then we went to the grocery store. By the time we got home, I started feeling anxiety.

I got the groceries put away, babes fed, showers and bed. I read to them and they're asleep now. I am feeling okay. I emailed my boss to let him know blow by blow what's going on. We'll see.

All for now. Just hanging out while Donald is at work until 1 a.m. Writing my Granny Pat a letter, blogging and listening to music online.

Cymbalta 3

I'm trying to figure out how to come up with a catchy name for each day, eh, it's not happening.

I woke up with a headache and lethargic, bowels still loose. Took my medicine around 8 a.m. Slept more, had a smoothie around noon and then tried to eat veggie bowl from Chipotle this evening, couldn't even eat half.

I told Donald I had 2 goals for the day, 1, to call my boss and 2, to make an appointment with a therapist. It was a little strange for me because I don't set goals. And... what kinds of goals are those anyway?? Well, they're big ones, for me. I was terrified to talk to my boss and trying to get a counselling appointment, well, that's never fun.

Both goal 1 & 2 were met within 20 minutes of me setting them, by 8 a.m. Donald was super proud of me.

Goal 1. I called my boss to ask for clarification about the medical release to come back to work he mentioned to Donald yesterday. He said he just wanted to take the pressure off of me and for me not to rush back to work. I told him that while I appreciated that, I was also feeling anxiety about losing my job. I knew he had a business to run, but he assured me that my job will be there for me and that he wasn't willing to give up what I have done in the classroom for our kids, that he wasn't willing to just go try and find someone else to replace me. That's great. I'm still a little shocked and in disbelief. In my head some where I still think I am letting people down or that I will lose my job though.

Goal 2. I called a therapist I saw once last Fall, left her a message. She promptly returned my call and I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon.

I told Donald I was going to look into using my Groupon I got for Pilates. I need to get on with being good to myself. I feel so strange being at home, knowing I have a job that I am "on leave" from, just wondering what the hell I am doing right now... I know I am supposed to be taking care of myself, and that's what I am doing, it's just so strange, and even embarrassing almost.

Learning to be loved and to let my husband take care of me... difficult things for me to do. But I am trying.

Cymbalta Day #2

I woke up this morning feeling like normal, groggy, tired... went to sleep fairly late, after midnight I think, but I can't be sure.

I took 1 mg of Lorazepam to sleep.

Donald took the babes to school. I texted my boss, told him I needed another day for my body to adjust. To which, he responded that he wants a medical release before I return. That freaked me out. I was wondering why in the world he would say that. Donald talked to him later and found out that it was to take the pressure off of me to return to work too quickly. He knows me, he knows how responsible I feel and how bad I feel for missing work, but he understands that I need to take care of myself. My fear is that he'll fire me because I am missing work or because I am "unreliable". All thoughts from me, nothing he said.

I suppose I should be grateful that I didn't have a heart attack or something worse happen to get my attention. I need to learn to take care of myself, and unfortunately, I have a job that I feel like I am leaving, for a moment in time, people who need me and responsibility, but fortunately, I have people who love and care about me and who understand that I need to take care of myself in order to live.

I want to take care of myself, my family and then others. I haven't taken care of myself my entire life. I have avoided that, for what reason, I do not know. I've always taken care of other people.

I felt the same strange, "took too much sleep medicine hung over" feel shortly after taking the Cymbalta. I am hoping that my body builds up a tolerance to this or gets used to it. I figure out it's the Hydrochloride in the pill. That ingredient in medicine always makes me feel this way. It's a gross feeling.

All for now.

This songs pierces my soul

"Beautiful, Beautiful"

by: Francesca Battistelli

Don't know how it is you looked at me

and saw the person that I could be

Awakening my heart

Breaking throughout the dark

Suddenly your grace

Like sunlight burning at midnight

making my life something so

Beautiful, Beautiful

Mercy reaching to save me

All I need

you are so

Beautiful, Beautiful

Now there's a joy inside I can't contain

But even perfect days can end in rain

And though it's pouring down

I'll see you through clouds

Shining on my face

Like sunlight burning at midnight

making my life something so

Beautiful, Beautiful

Mercy reaching to save me

All I need

you are so

Beautiful, Beautiful

I have come undone

But I have just begun

Changing by your grace

Like sunlight burning at midnight

making my life something so

Beautiful, Beautiful

Mercy reaching to save me

All I need

you are so

Beautiful, Beautiful

Like sunlight burning at midnight

making my life something so

Beautiful, Beautiful

Mercy reaching to save me

All I need

you are so
Beautiful, Beautiful

Cymbalta Day 1

After the last 6 weeks of break downs, I went into work balling my eyes out and then left immediately for the Doctor. Donald met me there, they worked me in, (as I didn't have an appointment) and I left with lab orders and two scripts. My Dr is trying me on Cymbalta. 

I took it around noon today and started feeling it immediately, just side effects. I felt that sick in your throat tired and started having diarrhea. I still feel anxiety, in the form of something not quite all the way down my throat but sitting on top of my stomach. I just feel icky.

Emotionally, I've started feeling anxious about the prospect of going to work in the morning, wondering if I should "tough it out" or rest another day. 

I am glad Donald went with me. I was a little scared to have him there, embarrassed, alone feeling even. But, he asked the right questions of my Dr and understands what my body is going through. 

Living in this constant state of "Fight or flight" has taken its toll on my body and mind. I'd venture to say it's been going on the last 20 years.

This is what my husband just said to me.

"I would rather be where ever with you than anywhere without...purgatory, the hood, whatever. 

But I don't think it's dark.

It's hard, yes, but not dark.  

I'm scared sometimes. But mostly I just hurt cause you hurt. 

I don't allow myself to feel as much as I could.


I try to be strong. I'm not though. You are stronger than me. And I admire that about you...and hate it about you sometimes too.  

But I don't hate you... never. You were telling me I did hate you the other night when you were under the influence.  I couldn't listen anymore and had to just tune out the nonsense, so that I didn't tear down the house.

I love you. I want you. And I want you to live.  

Please keep fighting for it...life...us.  

I don't know if it's even fair to ask that of you.  I want more. But I may not ever get it.  

That's not a loss to me, though.  So, it can't be a lose lose. 

Just being with you is a win for me. 

Hell or high water....or hellish high waters, or fiery droughts. Whatever.  

You're my love.  

You're my heart."

January 20, 2013

*I wrote this during the Daniel Fast at a Worship and Prayer Night @ Church

I'm angry, sad and insecure. I'm mean and impatient. I'm self-absorbed. This past week (1st) of the Daniel Fast has been one of the most horrid weeks I've had in months.  It has been awful physically, emotionally and mentally. 

Thinking about my birthday party. Totally disgusted with myself. I'm too much of a child, too silly, not as refined and polished as my "friends". I don't remember the last half of the party, I fell down twice, intoxicated of course. How embarrassing. What a joke. I'm so stupid.

I won't, (can't), let anyone love me. Not my husband or my children. I cringe when they touch me. It makes me feel gross. It's like my body reacts in a violent way. I shrug off their touches. I am so impatient with them. They're going to grow up without confidence because of me and Donald. They're going to grow up just like me, disliking themselves, not accepting themselves or anyone's love. GOD LET IT NOT BE. 

Please, I beg of YOU to undo any and everything I've done (or anyone else) that has messed them up in heart or mind. I beg YOU to protect them and the steps they take. Please, please, keep Lainee and Miles closer than close. My heart aches and breaks for them because of everything I've done to them. God, please undo it. HEAL UP everything. That sounds so crazy to pray because they're only 7 and 5, but I've done a great deal of damage thus far. 

I don't understand why You made me a mother, really, I don't. As awful and as broken as I am... WHY? They are so precious and don't deserve what I give or withhold from them. What do I for them that can ever outweigh all of the hurt I've bestowed upon them?

Why do I feel so different? Like an outcast? If I were to see YOU face to face I'd realize even more just how terrible I am. I'd just sit and tell YOU over and over everything that is wrong with me. I don't know how to accept anything good or right. WHAT IS THIS? Maybe YOU are so awesome I wouldn't be able to think of how awful I am - but that is what I imagine - even still - face to face - I'd just be stuck in myself. Am I a child of the devil? Sometimes I wonder how long I am going to survive. Like, when will it end?

I'm not (or haven't been thus far) one of those people who hate what they do, how they look or act and then works their ass off to change it. No, I just wallow in it and stay the same. How weak and pathetic is that? Yeah, Paul did what he didn't want to do and not what he wanted to - but how will my life be a testimony being who I am? My obituary would be short and ridiculous - or long - if you wrote wrote about all I was unhappy about.

Sometimes, I wonder how many people would come to my funeral (dark, I know, or, is it?), as if that is an indicator of people loving or liking you... in my imagination it is a few family members and a few friends (HAHA if they could even fit it into their busy schedules!). I wouldn't be mourned by many and I'd be missed my few - just those obligated to to mourn and miss me. How sick am I? Those "obligated" to mourn and miss me? What the hell is wrong with me? Who am I? 

Another "WHY?" Why do I have the parents I do? It's obvious that I am a product of them. Do YOU allow hurt so people have no choice, (okay, of course there is a choice) but to turn to YOU? Is it on purpose? Or was the act of conception turned over to the process of humanity? Is the length of healing dependent on the length of pain? If it took 15 years to form will it take 15+ years to heal from it?

I am so exhausted, LORD. I am so sick of my life - of grieving, of hurting -  of being so dissatisfied. I know everyone else is exhausted by me too.

sometimes, I think I am pretty, 5 minutes later I can see the image and think I look like a monster