in-se-cure

in·se·cure

  

adjective

1.

subject to fears, doubts, etc.; not self-confident or assured

2.

not confident or certain; uneasy; anxious

3.

not secure; exposed or liable to risk, loss, or danger

4.

not firmly or reliably placed or fastened

The other woman. Her. That girl. The one who just walked by. That girl on the billboard. The one in the commercial. The women at church. That girl you work with. The memory of some old girlfriend. That lady who was sweet to you in the store. The girl that smiled at you. My best friend. That guy's daughter. That girl on that one T.V. show. Victoria's Secret. Magazines. The soccer mom across the field. The cheerleaders at the games you work. The girl who touches you in passing and it makes you uncomfortable but you don't say anything. Youtube. Movies. Waitresses. Dreams. The sultry voice of that one musician. Your best friend's wife.

My insecurities pan throughout the spectrum.  For the most part, I am insecure the moment I walk into another room with females, or when my husband has contact with them. My trigger goes off to everything I am not and to everything they are. I think in my head, in some twisted way, that my husband desires what they are and 99.99% of the time I am nothing like them. They're taller, thinner, light headed, etc. It undoes me.

I have to either space out and disconnect or constantly be telling myself the opposite of what I'd be naturally (wrongly) thinking, CONSTANTLY. If I let up for a second, it's over. How freaking exhausting is that? How exhausting is it to continually be assaulted this way: mind f*cked over and over and over again with little to no reprieve?