Smile.微笑み. Sonrisa. Sorridere. ابتسام. Glimlach. Sourire.

Technically, a smile is a facial expression characterized by the corners of the mouth turning upward.  Accompanying this expression is normally a feeling of pleasure. Would it still be a smile if there was no emotion tied to it? People smirk all the time and it's still considered to be a smile, just a scornful one (there is still an emotion, scorn). Perhaps it has nothing to do with emotion at all. If we take it at face value, or simply a physical action, then a smile is nothing but a movement of the mouth or lips. That said, even a fake smile has an emotion tied to it. Maybe the emotion is fear, or anger, or disconnection. No one is ever void of emotion. Even if we are "blank" or "blah" we are still feeling something, even if it is the absence of something. To say I feel nothing, is to feeling something. Or is it?

I could spiral into a rant about this if I allowed myself, but I don't feel like it. Hah, feel. I don't even feel like writing anything today. I wanted to just skip writing a post. It feels like too much energy, effort, like something more than I want or have to give right now. Feel, feel, feel.

Moving on.

I cried so much last night. I dreaded going to sleep. I felt this strange fear. It was a fear I felt when I was little, growing up. I felt it when I had to go to bed and knew my parents would only be up a little while longer, in the living room, watching TV. I could see the light from my bedroom door when they were still up. After the light went off (I think that's when it happened) and I knew I was alone, this fear enveloped me. I don't remember feeling it after my parents divorced, after my Mom, brother and I moved from the house I pretty much grew up in. I think I was 12 or so. I felt this same, strange, overwhelming fear after I had my daughter, seven years ago. I remember waking up in the middle of the night to breastfeed her and Donald was still asleep. I was terrified of her falling back asleep and me being the only one awake. The strange thing was, is that Donald was right beside me(asleep, but still right there) and she was in the same room. I wasn't alone, yet this massive, dark thing engulfed me.

This is what I felt last night. No one was asleep. Donald, Lainee and Miles and Granny were still awake. I had this horrible apprehension about going to sleep. It was after 7 p.m. and I knew it was getting close to "bed time". I was dreading the next day (today). I didn't want to go to work, I didn't want to have to go to sleep and wake up to this day. It had nothing to do with wanting to die, just this ensuing sense of dismay. I had to take an Ambien to go to sleep. That was even scary because I knew I was making myself go to sleep. So strange this fear. I seriously cannot convey it with words. I don't understand when or why I feel it.

I obviously went to sleep. I woke up this morning as late as possible, even later than pushing it. I showered but didn't wash my hair and rushed the kids through getting dressed, breakfast and out the door to school. I was up and down all day, fighting back tears and emotion. Teaching kids a few hours a day keeps my mind occupied but I still have to put shit away.

I don't want to write anymore. Oh, I ate today. I hadn't eaten since dinner Friday night. I have felt so ill and not hungry. Of course, when you don't eat, it just perpetuates the cycle of not eating. My body is so messed up. I started my period 13 days late. No, I am not pregnant. I don't know what is going on.

I hate this emotional, physical roller coaster, but still, sometimes, I (put on a) smile.

:-)