41 days into 14.

I've completed the Whole 30 Challenge, made a fool of myself at the Policeman's Ball, and now here I am, recovering from it. The last month, I have abstained from alcohol, sugar, and grain as well as dairy. Three out of the four weeks, I felt extremely depressed. Part of me knows the truth, that I can't not be on an antidepressant, but I want so badly to be able to control it with diet... what if I can't? What if I can? I don't know what to do in these times of downward spiral, of feeling so lonely, dark and disconnected. How do you reach out to someone? What do you say? Of course I have a few friends who say to let them know when or if I need something, but I don't honestly think they'd even know what they'd do or say if I did contact them. So, now what?

Beauty & Pain

"Thorns on a rose bush develop much before the actual flower. This happens because buds and young roses might be eaten away by animals before the flowers get a chance to spread their pollen with the help of insects, if they do not have a sharp thorn system already. Wild roses are found to have sharper and denser thorn systems than the ones we see in a nursery or in a green house."

Easter

Everyone at church was busy celebrating the resurrection of Jesus... All I could do was cry and had this reoccurring thought to just run out and sit in the car and overdose or go up to the altar and do it or just do it and fall asleep on Donald's shoulder... wtf!?

3/20-3/31

Fine. No appetite. Ate too much wrong food in TX. Good to visit family too short it felt. Had two days of feeling severely edgy. Sad to leave. Cried.

Depressed.

I shouldn't drink but I do. I don't every day but I like to relax and feel different, feel something. Therapist agrees, I am not an alcoholic but that it isn't good for me because my body reacts differently than others.

Why do I keep doing things that aren't good for me? I don't know...

8+8 and 7teen

Not feeling as tired. But slept today off and on from 9a-12p. Babes had a half day. Got them, had parent teacher conferences and then ran some errands... grocery store, Fidel's, Cup Cake A'la Mode and MAC then picked Donald up from work. Was feeling mentally but not physiologically stressed... was kind of strange...

all for now... Half day tomorrow for babes tomorrow too, then Friday Spring Break... then off to Texas to visit family. I am okay. Donald is stressed... work and remembering his baby brother...

Cymbalta Fifteen (15)

I think the side effects of being drugged feeling are over. I do still suffer from not much of an appetite.

Today Donald took babes to school then we went for coffee. He took me to my gf's house to get my hair done. He hung out and talked to her husband. It was a good morning. Then we got tacos and beer. Came home, watched a movie, Lifted, smoked hookah, hung out. Hit Walgreen's then to get the babes... had a flat tire, D changed it, came home and then just did the night thing. He went to get tire fixed, took Miles. Me and Lainee stayed home and finished watching Mary Poppins and I made dinner. Guys got home, ate, now babes are going to bed.

Hopefully me and D can chill a bit before bed. I am not tired. He needs to go to bed early though because he works in the morning. I'll be getting babes ready for school and taking them. Not sure what is on my agenda for tomorrow. I always feel like cleaning, it's a compulsive thing, I know.

I bought a blue nail polish in memory of my little brother in law. This is his birth month so I'm going to wear blue all March. Love and miss you Jermaine.

Glad I'm feeling better.

Day 13, 14

Feeling better, not as tired and drugged when I take the Cymbalta. This is good. I have found it has really flat-lined me in a sense. I am just blah. I am not operating at a 10 and crazy stressed, now I am at a 0 or a 1. It's weird.

Still fighting through making the best choices for myself.

Signing off...